Hello! I’m working on a zine about all my years surfing in San Francisco. It’ll have illustrated stories, cartoons, art and a graphic novel surfer spy series. Here’s one of the stories for you to enjoy!
Seals Are Weird! A sexual harassment story from the sea.
I hate seals. There, I said it. I’m more scared of seals than sharks when I’m out surfing. Yes,
they have giant, long lashed, innocent doe eyes. Also they have cute, teeny tiny ears. They are chubby and adorable. Like most people, I enjoy seeing them sun tanning lazily on the beach, lined up and piled on top of each other . It’s so cute and innocent how they helplessly sway and scoot themselves across the beach, making no progress what so ever.
But the beach isn’t where they scare me. It’s in the water. Once they slip into the ocean they are fast and graceful swimmers. They are like weird giant dogs that are pushy space invaders. Like dogs they can be territorial, but unlike dogs they are 6 feet long and can weigh up to 400 pounds. They have powerful jaws and large teeth capable of biting a penguin’s head right off!
I feel like they are always trying to mate with me. Maybe they’re confused by my hooded wetsuit. As I sit on my board, waiting for a wave, one will pop up out of the water six or seven feet away to evaluate me. He will begin to swim around me in a tightening circle. Seals have crazy eyes placed far on each side of their heads. As he circles me one of his big eyes will lock onto both of mine.
This has happened to me a number of times. When it does, I freeze and try to take soothing breaths to stay calm. My imagination creates bloody scenes of what an angry seal can do to the helpless human that rejects him. In my imaginary movie the seal disappears under me, unseen in the dark water. Like a scene out of Jaws, he bumps my legs that are floating on each side of my board. He surfaces with his mouth agape, all of his super dog like canine teeth exposed and he goes for me. His teeth sink into my thigh as I sit on my board! I am helpless as he tears a piece of my muscle from my femur and swims off with it, leaving me to bleed for the sharks.
Oh yes, it would become a real food chain situation out there immediately if one of those seals wanted to make it so. But instead I raise my board up , making myself appear bigger. I wave my hands like a crazy person and shout at him, “You go away! You go away right now!”
And then he does! He goes off to get eaten by a shark or bother some other surfer trying to have a nice afternoon. But that doesn’t prove anything. It’s not that a seal would actually eat me that scares me, it’s just the fact that he could.