The problem with manifestation is that it works best for people that have already been given a head start in life. I don’t even mean a financial head start. I mean a head start of attentive and loving parents, growing up with consistency and stability. These lucky people will casually say things like, “Oh, Mary and I grew up together. We met in first grade and were best friends in high school!” Or they’ll shake their head with a little smile and say something like, “My mom was my biggest fan. There is nothing that woman wouldn’t do for me.” Or, “I always call me dad for advice.” Every once in a while you might even hear some people say, “We spent every summer in France at my Grandma Fleur’s surrounded by all my cousins and Aunts and Uncles.” I could go on, but you know what I mean.
The way these lucky people will say these statements like they are the most normal experiences in the world is what makes manifestation come easier for them. They were brought up with certain expectations of kindness, universal generosity and safety just being an actual fact of life. I am genuinely happy for these people and I feel like we all need people like this to exist to help negate a lot of the negative energy that a bunch of broken, toxic people are sending out into the world just because they don’t want to do any work trying to make themselves better people. So manifest on Lucky People!!
The truth about me is I was not cared for properly by my parents. I was abused by my mom and had to leave home very early and my dad wasn’t around. I was so brain damaged from my trauma of growing up that I couldn’t go to school successfully and spent my teens and twenties living with roommates and working menial jobs like dishwashing, night janitor, line cook, waitress, bartender, telephone surveyor and any odd job I could find to scrape together extra money.
I didn’t go to high school or college so I missed out on learning a lot of basic white collar job skills with computers and stuff like that not to mention the connections I always hear successful people talk about so casually like it’s nothing,
“Oh ya, my editor Jaime and I went to college together. She introduced me to my agent.”
It took me years to figure out that when people on tv talk about people living on the edge of society that they were talking about me! I had no manners and had no idea how to make or maintain friendships. I didn’t know how to do basic things that parents teach their kids like to brush twice a day, wipe from front to back, don’t just eat Cheezits and Diet Dr. Pepper for days on end, clean your living space—especially the toilet and sinks. Don’t just spit out your gum on the ground. Clean your clothes. Buy extra pairs of underwear. Say please and thank you when ordering food. Sleep with the TV off. You can say no to people.
The only things I had going for myself back then was a bizarrely high level of discipline, the ability to be on time, high reading comprehension, an interest in learning, an ability to draw and no addictions or mental disorders.
I spent my entire teens and twenties just recovering from my childhood but that involved being in endless relationships with people that echoed how I grew up. I drew abusers to me like a moth to a flame because that was the energy I gave out. Emotional terrorists were blowing up my life everywhere which then reinforced my thoughts that I was a freak and unlovable.
After my final horrible relationship where I was so mentally broken that I actually considered killing myself for a minute, I realized that I needed to change my mind set in order to stop attracting monsters and bad experiences into my life.
I started my new mindset by getting a counselor. She was a therapist in training that needed to log hours in to become certified and so she was very affordable. She was great and I would highly recommend this to anyone that wants help but feels like they can’t afford therapy. She was honest and politely explained to me what boundaries were, which really changed my life.
Next I realized how literally every thought in my head was negative. I started trying to be conscious of everything I thought or said and then, if it was negative, I would change it to a positive. That doesn’t mean I wasn’t human and didn’t allow myself negative thoughts but I would try to flip it to a positive message. Like if I was like, “Ugh, I hate my job, my bosses doing heroin in the office is gross and disgusting.” Okay, that is a totally valid thought but I would end the thought with, “I am worth more than this work environment and I will make a plan to make money in a loving and safe way.”
One night I was taking the BART home from my night time telephone surveyor job where all my bosses and co workers did heroin in the bathroom and chain smoked in the office. (it was legal to smoke in buildings back then.) At the Civic Center stop an older couple with silver hair got on coming from the Opera. The woman had on beautiful diamond jewelry and a gown and the man had on an impeccable suit with a deep purple silk scarf on under his lapels. They were glowing from their night out and literally the train hushed for a second when they entered.
My immediate thought as I sat there, tired, in my grungy skater clothes, my sloppy hand tattoos with my skateboard resting on my knee was, “Fuck these rich people.” And then, when my new mind set kicked in I realized that omg, if I hate and despise rich people then how will I ever become rich myself? If I despise anyone that is even financially stable how will I ever become financially stable? If I’m jealous and hateful of all the people that are loved in their lives then I will never want to be loved and so never bring love into my life. By being jealous and despising everyone that has had a stable life or have been loved and cared for properly and given a safe community to grow up in then I was denying that for my future self! This thought process changed everything for me.
Then I got DeeDee. The dog I asked the universe for. I asked the universe for a female pitbull mix dog and one day a friend rang my doorbell early in the morning and presented me with a tiny red baby dog that could hardly sit up by herself she was so young. He told me he couldn’t keep her and asked if I wanted her.
I was in love. More importantly, she was in love with me. From that night on until 17 years later DeeDee never took her eyes off of me, never stopped looking out for me and never stopped filling me up with love. It was the love that I had decided I deserved and it arrived almost immediately after I declared it. It was my first time I realized that I could manifest things.
From there, with a lot of help from therapists and books and staring up at the clouds and surfing and skateboarding and making art, I slowly crawled out of my emotional black hole of feeling like I deserve nothing and nothing good will ever come to someone like me. After all, if my mom didn’t love me, who could ever love me, right? Wrong!
I started to really test out my ability to manifest things. After I got DeeDee, I won a bicycle at my local pet store. Then I started up my plant care business and I wanted to get 10 clients so that I could take two days off of my day job and it immediately happened! I wrote a list of what I wanted in a partner and Britt appeared!
Over the years I have worked on opening my mind up to manifestation but sometimes I fall into old patterns of not dreaming big enough because I still feel so small. Or some things that I have always dreamed of happening I maybe haven’t manifested seriously enough because I still have an outsider point of view of feeling like big things happen to those people, the other people. The beautiful, loved and supported people. Not me. Not someone that wasn’t loved by their mom.
In my saddest, hardest and darkest moments I wonder if my mom couldn’t love me there’s a chance that no one can and that I was just born black hearted and unlovable so how could I ever manifest big dreams for myself? But then I snap myself out of it by thinking about all the abandoned and unloved dogs on earth that even though they were unloved from the start, they are one thousand percent deserving of love and are ten thousand percent lovable. Then I adjust my mindset to focus on allowing all the energy in the world and the universe to support me in putting the work in to achieve my goals and help me along the way with sprinklings of magical moments, coincidences and synchronicity.
This is already a long essay so I won’t get into my techniques, I’ll do a follow up another day but my main take away is this:
The beauty of manifestation is it’s not personal. It’s just energy and your own hard work and imagination. The universe is just full, ultimately, of a bunch of atoms and atoms are just energy. So the computer I am typing this on is just a bunch of impersonal atoms that are energy. So is my brain, the trees outside, birds, the book I’m reading and so are my dogs laying down at my feet.
The great news is is that energy doesn’t care in the least that my mom didn’t love me or that I grew up thinking I was born cursed with failure. It doesn’t care if someone is born rich with a Grandma in France or born on the streets of struggling country. Atoms don’t care! Energy is just attracted to like energy. It’s not judgey, it doesn’t care if you have the face of an angel or a blanket of acne along your cheeks, it’s just energy that flows towards you or away from you based on what you choose to put out there.
Anyway, this is my long and meandering way of telling you that we can all get whatever we need out of this life and that manifesting a beautiful life for yourself is possible, it’s just all in your head and it just takes time and practice.
Thank you for reading my stuff and buying my art and I hope you all receive everything you put your mind to this year!
Happy New Year everyone!!!