San Francisco has a poo problem. Not a dog poo problem, we have a very large dog poo police force here where you can be bending down about to scoop up your dogs poo and some poo policeman will ask, “Are you going to pick that up?” Or more passive aggressively they’ll ask, “Do you need a bag?” So it’s not dog poo that is the problem here, it’s human poo.
Yes, in one of the world’s most beautiful cities you will find big human turds everywhere. I don’t know why this is but I feel like if someone ran for mayor on the anti human turd platform I would totally vote for them. For as long as I have lived here the one constant, boom or bust, has been that in any alley, knook or cranny, patch of grass with foilage or just any part of the sidewalk that street lights don’t illuminate very wel,l there could be a human turd.
At this point I have a very strong poo radar, it’s subconscious, but it’s real. I often see new comers to the city sitting on the ground, leaning their back against the wall, languidly smoking a cigarette, checking their phone or even journaling (!). I audibly gasp when I see this. If they knew how recently pee and poo was just removed from their sitting knook or how a turd is probably hidden within a few feet of them they would be like me and never touch anything in this city with bare hands again. Don’t even get me started on people who walk barefoot here. (Yes, this really happens.)
So the other morning when I was walking around the passenger side of my truck to load my surfboard and saw a brown substance embedded in my tire’s grooves I gave out a little scream. I had unknowingly driven over what appeared to be a big pile of poo that had been nestled up next to the curb in the gutter. I froze. I know enough about urban poo that, once sighted, it’s best to not take another step until you’ve figured out exactly where it is all located. Oh. My. God. There was a speck of brown clinging to my surf board bag. I’ll burning that later I thought to myself.
I began scanning the ground to find the source. My eyes landed on a flattened plastic cake cover with chocolate frosting in it. Next to it was the decorative foil base with the last slice of smashed chocolate cake clinging to it.
I exhaled and took a minute to collect myself, it was my lucky day.